I know at least 5 friends (of varying genders) who have been forced into an activity of a sexual nature that they didn’t consent to. It greatly saddens me to have to type that, but given the huge extent of the ‘Me Too’ campaign, I am not greatly surprised.
In my day to day life I’d like to think that people aren’t being forced into situations that they don’t want to be in – surely NOT. And yet the statistics are OVERWHELMINGLY confirming to the contrary.
Last week I had a boy over to my house, who I’ve been on two nice dates with. He started out by saying we would have dinner and then watch a movie, and I said from the off set that if he did come over I was not going to do anything of a sexual nature with him. Anyway, then he said he couldn’t come for dinner anymore and he would come over at 8pm. Then it was 9pm.
This boy is tall, broad and handsome.
We watched some TV and the situation turns to making out. I must have told him a hundred times that I didn’t want to do anything with him because it seemed to be heating up – I wanted to be clear it would never reach boiling point. Anyway, then he says “shall we just go to sleep then?”, “oh, you’re staying over?” I said – I guess there should have been serious alarm bells going off in my head. I guess I thought I knew him a bit because we’d met up before… which meant I trusted him? I have no idea.
All night long he was pressing his erection into me, and feeling me up. It was like every hour he would give it another go. It was exhausting – I was so tired and fed up of this shit. But when it’s just two of you in a dark room and the need for confrontation to be kept to a minimum is high I didn’t say anything. It didn’t help that he was attractive… they always get the better deal (I’m sorry, I’m generalising there in implying all attractive men are assholes – this probably isn’t the case.)
Anyway at one point probably around 3am I decide that maybe I can do this after all – he starts touching me up again and for a minute I think maybe I could be into it. We work round into a position where I’m straddling him and giving him a hand job – very unhappy. “do you want to suck it?” he says – CHARMING. I’m like “no”. And then he says “suck it”, fuming I say “suck it yourself!” and I get off him and turn away from him drawing my bed covers up to my chin in annoyance. “okay okay chill out” he says – ‘chill out’ so I’m getting unnecessarily ‘frosty’ then?
He did say he should have asked me if I was okay – which isn’t something I believe that he really cared about – the situation so far suggested not. And then thank the fucking lord, I say I’m going to sleep and he leaves me alone for the rest of the night. Huffing and puffing from the other side of the bed probably at how annoyed he is he’s had an erection all night next to a girl who could not care less.
That isn’t true though, is it? When he’s finally fucked off out of my house hopefully to get hit by a bus the thoughts come rushing in… it isn’t his fault he had an erection it is a natural process… oh God a normal girl would have had sex with him… what a fucking cunt he was…
For all my feminist values I can’t believe I allowed this shit to happen. I should have been screaming at him, I should have kicked him out! I should have told him the way it was – that he was a low life scum bag who had an ugly soul regardless of his pretty facade.
When I messaged him after, I wrote that I was very unhappy with him. He said he couldn’t understand why and that he thought I was a nice girl but he didn’t think we were as compatible as he’d initially thought. God what a jackass – sexual harassment with a healthy dose of rejection on the side – this one really is a dick. Long story short I didn’t message him for long enough to go into detail on why I was so pissed off.
I am not writing this down because I want sympathy or to make anybody sad. I’m writing this because these are my sexual experiences and they can’t all be good. And this one is a message I must convey.
Even though it is still hard for me to grasp – this was not my fault. He manipulated me into doing things that I didn’t want to do (even if I did want to for a second because of his actions this does not give a free pass), and then made out he couldn’t understand what he had done wrong. And even if I asked him I am convinced he would tell a different story of what happened – but that does not matter! It doesn’t matter what he came away with because I am the victim and in my head the turn of events sucked!
No one should ever make you feel forced into anything. The word ‘forced’ does NOT have to mean that they are holding you down and pulling your trousers off – manipulation and persuasion is still ‘force’. Anything also – this is not just about sex. If it is just a kiss (for example) that makes you uncomfortable – it counts!!!!
I should have told him to leave hours before. And I have learnt from the experience so next time – I will. I probably will spend the next two days feeling sad about it but none the less, I will!
Don’t be afraid of confrontation.
Do you guys have any comments on this story? Maybe someone out there can play devils advocate?
