DO YOU KNOW WHAT? I may actually be getting somewhere here. I do not know if it is the sex toys that are boosting my confidence or whether they are genuinely widening my vagina but I had sex with someone (saucy, I know) a week or so ago and it worked ok! I say it worked ok because I wanted it to happen and it wasn’t painful but I did ask to stop after a while because I’m still a bit new to the game (now my thighs are sore).
I think what helped was that I was really really up for it this time. I was so up for it and we were kissing and there was lots of hand stuff going on so my mind wasn’t focused as much on what may happen to me when penetrated… before I’ve always stopped what I was doing and concentrated on being penetrated in an attempt to control my emotions from being too much… But perhaps not doing that and taking things as they come is a BETTER way to do things… Something perhaps to think about, I don’t know.
I didn’t think when I was 18, and even before then, that I would really ever be able to have sex without it hurting me and me not really enjoying it. I think when I was younger I’d gotten the impression from somewhere that women didn’t really enjoy sex, and it was forced upon them – just as an adult I know isn’t actually the case and women can have SO MUCH enjoyment from sex. I wasn’t really brought up in a sex positive household… but really I bet many people aren’t.
So, it is strange now to see the light at the end of this dark and murky tunnel. I’m not saying that there won’t be many set backs and much more time required to work on myself, it is difficult for me to start new relationships when I am worried about having the inevitably embarrassing conversation. But still, I am hopeful and happy at how far I have come in the last year/ year half.
I haven’t actually seeked any kind of treatment as of yet, with the exception of my 1 doctors appointment. But I am aware that other things are available and I think I will give some of them a go – I am very interested in therapy as I think I could untangle some of my past thoughts and this might help me on my journey.
I might even get the coil fitted when my implant comes out. Just joking LOL that prizing-open-the-cervix-equipment just wouldn’t work for me.